Honeymooning for Beginners

We knew we'd be in bed together by afternoon. We had never even held hands! The imbalance between knowing someone so well, and not knowing them at all, was overwhelming. I needed the time to know him physically, to hold each other close, to kiss and caress one another. 

Cam and I met 43 years ago, when I was twenty years old, and he was ancient...like, thirty. He was also married. We worked together in the newsroom of Vancouver radio stations, CKWX/CJAZ, and formed a lasting friendship. I moved East, living in Quebec and Ontario with my late husband, and mother, for three decades.  

I was recently widowed when we reconnected on Facebook. It was as if we had never been apart. For the next five years, Cam and I "spoke" every day. His daily photographs of sunrises on the Salish Sea, lifted my spirits, and motivated me to return to the Westcoast. Over the years, our mutual affection and support for one another has been witnessed by hundreds of Facebook friends, or as I like to call them, "our chaperones".

We loved one another. I often told friends that he was the perfect man for me, but he was married. We never crossed that line. Until he was very recently widowed. We allowed ourselves to open our hearts, and speak the truth to one another. We love one another. We are also in love with one another. 

We aren't getting any younger! We know how precious life is. Cam says time is generous. We have been given a great gift of time together.  

Last month, I boarded a seaplane from Vancouver to Vancouver Island, and a new life with my man. Within minutes of stepping off the seaplane, I was climbing a stone staircase towards Cam. He began walking backwards, leading me towards a circle made of inlaid stones. It was there, inside that stone circle, that we had our first kiss...43 years in the making. 

The slow drive home was our first date, and we discovered the joy of fish and chip picnics on seaside park benches. Although we are not married, our family and friends have referred to our early days together as our,"honeymoon". His sunrises, are my sunrises.

Cam is my happily ever after. The red roses which he placed in the living room of our music-filled home, are now dried, and preserved for the anniversary of my arrival on the Island, when they'll be scattered in our stone circle. We are blessed.

Rose Photographs by: Ruth Adams, Widow's Endorphins Photographic Images Incorporated.
Image of Ruth and Foxglove by: Campbell McCubbin

International Widows' Day 2019

It's International Widows' Day.  Truthfully, for widows around the world, every day is widows' day.  Every.  Single.  Day.  

I chose this photo of the beautiful garden gate in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada's Butchart Gardens, because it represents a divide: life and death, before and after, what is visible and invisible.  Almost every widow I know, thinks of her life in terms of before and after the death of their husband or partner.  We can tell you not only the date of death, the exact time as well.  Many (not me, because I don't think in terms of numbers), actually count the days since their husband was alive.  There's even an app for that.  

The gate may also represent the unobtainable, the barriers facing widows around the world - especially, in third world countries.  The United Nations global statistics says that of the world's 258 million widows, one out of ten live in extreme poverty.  They (and their children) are destitute.  

UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, says, "women are significantly more likely to suffer poverty in old age than men".  He says, "widowed women's lifetime earnings and savings are often too little to avoid poverty".  The Secretary-General says, that discriminatory inheritance rights, means that women "may be stripped of land, property and even rights and access to their own children".  In some parts of the world, widows are outcast, subjected to violence and sexual abuse, and forced to remarry. 

The UN Secretary-General is asking all of us to reflect on ensuring that widows "are not left behind". 

The most recent statistics for Canada and the United States show that there were more than 1.4 million widows in Canada, including those who were living common law.  America has ten times our population, and naturally, the statistics for widows is about ten times greater than Canada's.  In 2018, there were 11.7 million widows in the USA.  As the populations of both countries age, the number of widows grows.

There's comfort in numbers.  There's something reassuring about widows talking to other widows - discovering that they are not crazy to still hold onto a pair of his boots, or not being able to let go of shirts that are still hanging in the closet months, or years later.  

There are many on-line groups for widows, and I have found listening and sharing is healing and empowering.  To widows reading this, you are not alone.
 

One final note, relating to the garden gate...the invisible and visible doesn't just refer to life and death.  Many widows say they feel invisible.  Widows are thought of as frail, octogenarians, living in isolation.  They are in fact, young women, often living in isolation.  The average age of a widow in the US is 59 years old, and the average age in Canada is 56.

Sometimes the isolation is self imposed.  Many widows, particularly in the early months are contrary:  not wanting to be left out or excluded, and yet, not wanting to be around anyone.  If you are a friend, call them anyway, they may decline the offer, however, it will mean so much that they were thought of.

Even going to a celebration can be overwhelming for a widow.  It is a full in the face reminder that even surrounded by friends and family, they are alone.  The very person they may wish to share the joy with, isn't there.  

As I said in the beginning, every single day is widows' day.  From the moment her head hits the pillow, and all through the night until sunrise, the empty place in the bed is a reminder of being alone.  Every time a widow steps out the door, she is reminded of places and events shared with someone who is never coming back.  Every grocery trip is an aisle of his favourite foods, or if he was seriously ill, food lables which had to be carefully studied.  Eventually, it eases (after years of fanatically reading the lables of food, I never look at them anymore). 

It takes time to learn to live the life of a widow...to be just you.     

  

Photographs Copyright of:  Ruth Adams, Widow's Endorphins Photographic Images Incorporated. 

Summer Solstice

Light, after darkness.  In our Northern Hemisphere, Summer Solstice is the longest day of the year, and the official beginning of Summer.  Today, we enjoy a full six and a half hours more daylight than on the shortest day of the year, the Winter Solstice in December.  After griping all year about our neverending Winter, we're just going to let bygones be bygones, and enjoy the season.

      

Photographs Copyright of:  Ruth Adams, Widow's Endorphins Photographic Images Incorporated.

David Austin, The Godfather of the English Rose

 

Internationally renowned horticulturalist, David Charles Henshaw Austin died yesterday, at the age of 92.  In his lifetime, the Shropshire, England based rose grower gave the world 230 new breeds of roses.  As many mournful gardeners have said, "he will live forever in our gardens".  

In recent years, I have photographed many David Austin roses growing on my Toronto balcony, in a nearby park, and in Victoria's Butchart Gardens.  

A Shropshire lad, Austin began breeding roses as a hobby when he was a teenager.  His name became synonymous with fine quality roses, from his very first, the pale pink Constance Spry, to Gertrude Jekyll, Boscobel, Jubilee Celebration, James Galway, Queen of Sweden, Winchester Cathedral, Shropshire Lad, a white rose, named for his daughter, Claire Austin, and perhaps his favourite, a very popular pink rose named for his granddaughter, Olivia Rose Austin.

For his contribution to horticulture, Austin was awarded with the Order of the British Empire.  It was awarded in 2007, the same year his wife Pat, a painter and sculptor, died.  It was a marriage of two artists, because rose breeding is as much an art, as it is a science.

Passionate about breeding roses, Austin was still working on new breeds when he was interviewed two years ago, at the age of 90.  The "Godfather of the English Rose" was not planning to retire, and said he wanted to, "breed a really good crimson rose, and continue improving the disease resistance of our roses."  He said he was, "just as excited about breeding roses now as I was when I started doing it as a hobby as a 15-year old."  

Family meant much to David Austin:  from the names he bestowed on his roses, to the nurturing of next generations of Austin growers (his son, David Austin Jr. now heads up the company, and grandson, Richard is part of the team), Austin Sr. has been a family man.  He died at home, surrounded by family.  

 David Austin (1926 - 2018)  Rest in Peace

Photographs Copyrights of:  Ruth Adams, Widow's Endorphins Photographic Images Incorporated

Living Coral, and Why You'll be Seeing This Colour Everywhere

Tropical coral - urbanized.  That's the vibe around this coming year's Pantone Colour of the Year, Living Coral,  an orange base with gold undertones.  It is the colour of unbleached coral, sunsets and sunrises.  Pantone executives, who search the world for colour trends in film, art galleries, on the streets, and on the catwalks, say the world needs this warm and welcoming colour right now.

The Executive Director of the Pantone Colour Institute, Leatrice Eiseman says Living Coral, "represents a feeling that's out there in the zeitgeist".  In these troubled times, who doesn't love watching a sunrise or sunset?

Critics point out the irony of surrounding ourselves with painted walls, furniture, coffee mugs, and clothing in Greenery (2017) and Living Coral (2019) colours, when the planet's forests and coral are disappearing.  It is as if we are finding comfort in, and surrounding ourselves with the very colours which are disappearing in nature.

The Great Barrier Reef, is the world's largest coral reef system.  It's so big, you can see it from outer space!  In 2015, there were 2 billion living corals in the reef.  Half of them are now dead!  That's in just over two years.  

What happened?  Two back to back bleaching events in the Summers of 2016, and 2017 caused a fifty percent decline in corals across the 14-hundred mile stretch of Australian coastline.  Bleaching isn't like dropping Clorox into the ocean, it has to do with killing off the photosynthetic algae (zooxanthellae) which attaches itself to the coral, and gives the coral its colour. The algae "nest" in the coral, and feed the coral through photosynthesis.  With ocean temperatures rising, the coral panic, and eject the algae, leaving the coral colourless.  Without the algae, the now bleach-white coral soon dies. 

Pantone's Vice President, Laurie Pressman says, "with everything that's going on today...we're looking toward those colours that bring nourishment and the comfort and familiarity that make us feel good".  Pressman says this year's colour is, "not too heavy.  We want to play.  We want to be uplifted.  It's the emotional nourishment.  It's the big hug."  Maybe more than a big hug, orange is the colour of the second Chakra which has to do with sex...and creativity.

 

 

Photographs Copyright of:  Ruth Adams, Widow's Endorphins Photographic Images Incorporated.

Life is a Bed of Roses

Life.  It's a bed of roses...except when it isn't.  We take the soft, fragrant blossoms along with the thorns.  That's life.  Unpredictable and ever changing, with the seasons, with the years.  For all our planning, decision making, and focus, life has a way of surprising - even shocking us.  Sometimes, we get hurt, and bleed - those damn thorns!

Roses are part of the milestones of our lives.  They're in every conceivable bouquet from the welcoming of the birth of a baby, to moving into a new home, graduating from high school, or university, celebrating an engagement, wedding, new job, new business, or retirement. They offer encouragement to someone fighting illness, or gentle consolation to those mourning a death.

With my birthday approaching, I'm getting philosophical (although Scorpios are born with a degree in Philosophy).  If there's wisdom gained in aging, it's in a renewed appreciation for life.  Live life!  Enjoy the small moments every day.  No matter what is going on with you, take time to smell the roses!

Taking time each day to detach myself from any stress, any responsibility, any thorn in my side, and enjoy life's simple pleasures, has helped to get me through difficult times, or just the mundane everyday blahs.  I practice Mindful Meditation, laugh with friends on Facebook, share meals with the wonderful people I live with, meet friends for coffee, go for a walk with my camera, bake, bike six miles on a stationary bike, watch a movie.  The problems don't go away, however, they're so much easier to deal with when I am calm, centred and joyful.

I'm working right now...and enjoying listening to a Paris-based Australian on-line radio station, Kitten D'Amour, while talking with you.  Aretha Franklin, Dionne Warwick, Dusty Springfield, Michael Buble, Frank Sinatra and French techno-pop artists have been hanging out at my computer, while I type, and sip dark roast coffee.  We're having a party!

Even when I do housework, I've got Motown, or Stevie Ray Vaughan turned up loud enough to hear the music in the other rooms of my home.  There's nothing like dancing to the Blues to chase the blues away!

Maybe you can't dance everywhere...well, you can still tap your feet, under your desk.  You can still snap your fingers in time to the muzak playing at the grocery store.  Choosing tomatoes takes on a cool sophistication when you snap your fingers to a the jazz, or 60's rock that fills the store.

While you're at the grocery store, pick up a bouquet of roses!

 It's Sunday night...a new work week is about to begin.  Take time this week, to smell the roses!

Photographs Copyright of:  Ruth Adams, Widow's Endorphins Photographic Images Incorporated

The Longest Day...Shortest Blogpost!

This is a short blog on the longest day...because I'm heading back outside to enjoy the Summer sun!  It's officially Summer, here in the Northern Hemisphere!  This being the Summer Solstice, the sun won't set on Toronto until 9:02 tonight.  That's 15 hours, 26 minutes and 31 seconds of daylight!  Adios!  A bientot!  

Photographs Copyright of:  Ruth Adams Widow's Endorphins Photographic Images Incorporated.

La Vie En Rose: Life Through Rose Coloured Glasses

It's a blessing to see life through rose coloured glasses. Being an eternal optimist, seeing the best in others, and the silver lining in every setback, makes life a whole lot easier to live.  I'm a glass half full kind of person!

 

That's not to say that optimists don't see the reality before them.  Every thought process begins in reality, and goes from there...to create a new reality...a better reality.  Visualize your life as you would want it to be.  Then, given your present circumstances, what do you need to do, to be where you really want to be?  What are your options?  Focus on that, rather than the circumstances of your current reality.

  

In the meantime, find joy in your present imperfect life.  Longing for a meal in a French restaurant?  Pick up the ingredients for a wonderful meal at home, add fresh flowers, and great music - et voila!  Can't travel the world?  Bring the world to your door!  For 32 years, I was the primary caregiver for my Mum.  I had three days of holidays - back in the early '90s!  My life is so much richer since opening an Airbnb in my home more than three years ago.  I cannot imagine my life without the friends I have made.               

Talk about a reality check...most North Americans have no idea how good we've got it.  I listened to a recent TED Talk about how most people think that on a world wide economic scale, they're about average.  When conditions such as a roof over our head, a bed to sleep on, a stove to cook on, fresh water for cooking and bathing, and a real toilet are factored, most North Americans are at the high end of the economic scale!  We are rich! 

When I was a teenager, I learned a lifelong lesson from one of the mothers in our neighbourhood.  With five perfectly dressed kids she had a lot of ironing.  It was her least favourite thing to do, but it had to be done.  Every sunny Summer afternoon, she would be on her balcony ironing -  in her bikini!  She turned something unpleasant, into a day at the beach.

Words and images are my playground.  Numbers bring on anxiety.  This afternoon, I stopped procrastinating on my taxes, and started going through all my receipts.  The paperwork has got to be done.  So, I found hours of music - Santana, Los Lonely Boys, Stevie Ray Vaughn - turned up the volume, and made the experience uniquely wonderful.  I sock danced through January and February, and am kinda looking forward to the other ten months!    

...and about that glass half full...Garcon!  Encore, si'l vous plait!

Photographs Copyright of:  Ruth Adams, Widow's Endorphins Photographic Images Incorporated.

Fifty Shades of Pink: If Lipstick Could Talk

I miss being kissed.  Really kissed.  I get warm hugs and kisses all the time.  Just not THAT kind.  You don't have to read the Kama Sutra (which I think was written by an accountant, it is so filled with numbers), to know that there are as many different kinds of kisses, as there are shades of lipstick.  Widows get, and give the cheeks and forehead kind of kisses, with a firm, meaningful hug.  Anything else, wouldn't be appropriate.

Oh, for those passionate kisses!  Every woman deserves a man who will ruin her lipstick, not her mascara.  Isn't that the best line?   I miss my husband's lips pressed gently against mine.  I miss being held close for a long time.  Feeling a pink blush sweep across my face...feeling safe and protected in his arms.  Passion and trust, are essential to a loving, and intimate relationship.  

This is one of the most excrutiating, uncomfortable posts I've ever written. Vulnerable, is not my favourite state of being.  I am strong on authenticity - on being honest about this journey I share with widows around the world.  The truth is, the sensual nature of an intimate relationship is missing, both from my life, and the lives of other widows.  That's sad.

While I am blessed with great relationships with amazing men, who are loving, caring, encouraging and supportive, they're nearly all married, gay, half my age, or all of the above.  For the first time in the three and half years since my husband died, I am yearning for more.  That's scary.

Waking up to this new desire, is a little like being in a Disney nightmare, inwhich despite not having been kissed by Prince Charming, Sleeping Beauty awakens to find she's surrounded by an alternate version of Snow White's Seven Dwarfs: Grumpy, Sleazy, Boring, Dim Wit, Milktoast, Obnoxious, and Misogynist.  That's horrifying. 

As the soft light of the afternoon falls on the roses, Andrea Bocelli sings, Mi baci piano ed io torno ad esistere - you kiss me slowly and I am alive again - lines of Italian verse in Ed Sheeran's song, Perfect.  It's just one of the music selections for this week's photo shoot on lipstick colours.  I love the energy of French singer, Zaz singing Je Veux, the angst of the sixties French singer, Francoise Hardy singing, Tous les Garcons et les Filles, and Leonard Cohen's Dance Me to the End of Love.  A friend suggested a title for the cover photo, Seal's song, Kiss From a Rose, which is...perfect.

I'd planned to shoot a collection of pink lipstick tubes and pink roses - something linear and graphic.  These billowy, ruffled, pink-tipped peach coloured roses, looked fabulous, so I tossed the original idea (I can do that) in favour of a sensual, playful, feminine, and Parisien look. 

I wrote the word Love, across pieces of paper in Wisteria Rose, and Luminous Pink Pearl lipstick.  The word Love, is beautiful to write by hand in pen.  It's sublime to write it in rich, creamy lipstick.

For two afternoons (one deeply overcast, the other lightly sunny), I joyfully rediscovered my ultra-feminine side, over and again, applying the Wisteria Rose and Luminous Pink Pearl to my lips, adding Lacquered Strawberry, coral Everbloom, and deep red Cherry Blossom, and kissing the colour and pattern off onto paper.  The lips take on the shape and pattern of finely veined leaves.  There's an art to kissing paper.  Getting just the right amount of lipstick, in just the right lip shape, takes a little practice.  You think I'm going to give you a craft tip?  I don't kiss and tell.  

It was exhilerating.  I laughed my way through the whole experience!  I highly recommend this as therapy for a broken heart...add a quick note to yourself on the paper, and mail it to yourself.  If those lipstick tubes could talk!  What a mess I made of my lipstick - and there were no mascara tears!

I leave you with laughter...

A little boy and his older sister were shopping for a gift for their mother.  As they explored the cosmetics department of a large store, the little boy became mezmerized by row upon row of lipstick colours.  He searched every row, and looking puzzled, called out to his sister, "hey, what size are Mum's lips?"


P.S.  After publishing this, a friend suggested Mary Chapin Carpenter's Passionate Kisses, would have been great background music for the photo shoot.  I listened.  Twice.  Does that make it a lingering passionate kiss?

Photographs Copyright of:  Ruth Adams, Widow's Endorphins Photographic Images Incorporated.