International Widows' Day 2019

It's International Widows' Day.  Truthfully, for widows around the world, every day is widows' day.  Every.  Single.  Day.  

I chose this photo of the beautiful garden gate in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada's Butchart Gardens, because it represents a divide: life and death, before and after, what is visible and invisible.  Almost every widow I know, thinks of her life in terms of before and after the death of their husband or partner.  We can tell you not only the date of death, the exact time as well.  Many (not me, because I don't think in terms of numbers), actually count the days since their husband was alive.  There's even an app for that.  

The gate may also represent the unobtainable, the barriers facing widows around the world - especially, in third world countries.  The United Nations global statistics says that of the world's 258 million widows, one out of ten live in extreme poverty.  They (and their children) are destitute.  

UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, says, "women are significantly more likely to suffer poverty in old age than men".  He says, "widowed women's lifetime earnings and savings are often too little to avoid poverty".  The Secretary-General says, that discriminatory inheritance rights, means that women "may be stripped of land, property and even rights and access to their own children".  In some parts of the world, widows are outcast, subjected to violence and sexual abuse, and forced to remarry. 

The UN Secretary-General is asking all of us to reflect on ensuring that widows "are not left behind". 

The most recent statistics for Canada and the United States show that there were more than 1.4 million widows in Canada, including those who were living common law.  America has ten times our population, and naturally, the statistics for widows is about ten times greater than Canada's.  In 2018, there were 11.7 million widows in the USA.  As the populations of both countries age, the number of widows grows.

There's comfort in numbers.  There's something reassuring about widows talking to other widows - discovering that they are not crazy to still hold onto a pair of his boots, or not being able to let go of shirts that are still hanging in the closet months, or years later.  

There are many on-line groups for widows, and I have found listening and sharing is healing and empowering.  To widows reading this, you are not alone.
 

One final note, relating to the garden gate...the invisible and visible doesn't just refer to life and death.  Many widows say they feel invisible.  Widows are thought of as frail, octogenarians, living in isolation.  They are in fact, young women, often living in isolation.  The average age of a widow in the US is 59 years old, and the average age in Canada is 56.

Sometimes the isolation is self imposed.  Many widows, particularly in the early months are contrary:  not wanting to be left out or excluded, and yet, not wanting to be around anyone.  If you are a friend, call them anyway, they may decline the offer, however, it will mean so much that they were thought of.

Even going to a celebration can be overwhelming for a widow.  It is a full in the face reminder that even surrounded by friends and family, they are alone.  The very person they may wish to share the joy with, isn't there.  

As I said in the beginning, every single day is widows' day.  From the moment her head hits the pillow, and all through the night until sunrise, the empty place in the bed is a reminder of being alone.  Every time a widow steps out the door, she is reminded of places and events shared with someone who is never coming back.  Every grocery trip is an aisle of his favourite foods, or if he was seriously ill, food lables which had to be carefully studied.  Eventually, it eases (after years of fanatically reading the lables of food, I never look at them anymore). 

It takes time to learn to live the life of a widow...to be just you.     

  

Photographs Copyright of:  Ruth Adams, Widow's Endorphins Photographic Images Incorporated.