National Widow's Day

Alone, in the midst of a global pandemic. For my American "sisters in sorrow", this National Widow's Day is especially lonely. Although many widows find themselves virtually abandoned by friends and family at the best of times, this year, is unprecedented. Physical isolation has meant that many widows are completely alone.    

We're all experiencing a degree of the kind of isolation felt by widows every single day. Living day after day without human connection can be lonely. Many widows refer to this as existing, rather than living. There's always Facebook, phone calls and Zoom, to reach out and connect. For most widows, the very person they most want to reach, is dead. That number is not in service.

It is not unusual for widows to preserve the voicemail recordings of their loved one. There's something strangely comforting about hearing the voice of someone who is gone from this world. Somehow, their unique voice is more alive than a photograph. I remember the panic I felt when, a few days after Brande died, I could not recall the sound of his voice. Then, I remembered a phrase he used to say to me in French, "quelle belle femme", and I heard his voice in my head again.

Now, more than five and a half years of widowhood, I am happy. Very happy. So, this is being written to those who are still in the early, lonely years of being a widow. The grief journey is walked at your own pace, in your own way.  

One day we were a couple, together every day, the next, I was single. I had to learn to be alone with myself. I rediscovered myself in the most joyful way possible: through the music of my youth. Listening and dancing to Motown and 60's rock, struck notes deep inside of me. I remembered me. Me before we were a we. 

She never left me. That girl is always there, ready to come out and play. She is not alone, either...there are many kindred spirits out there!

Even if you are in lockdown, get out for a little walk today. Keep two metres (about six feet) away from anyone else, and wear a mask and gloves. The exercise, fresh air, and Vitamin D rich sunshine are all great for your body...and your soul. 

Photographs Copyright of: Ruth Adams, Widow's Endorphins Photographic Images Incorporated.

National Widows' Day...It's No Piece of Cake

National Widows' Day?  Is there a cake for that?  A long, wide sheet cake will simply not do, to celebrate women who rise up to meet the enormous challenges of each day.  A cake would have to stand tall, on a pedestal.  Every widow must find her way through the darkness, to the light.  Perhaps a Widows' Day cake would be dark chocolate fudge, covered in whipped cream, symbolizing light out of the darkess.  Or, perhaps a sunny lemon cake, representing the hope of brighter days ahead.  An angelfood cake, in honour of the widow's husband.

Maybe a fruitcake, because there are days when we feel like we are losing our minds!  The early months of widowhood are described as zombie-like.  Brain fog is a diagnosed part of life for many widows.  Being contrary - feeling lonely, and wanting to be invited to family events, yet not wanting to be around anyone - is part of the craziness.  While the ritual of cutting and sharing a piece of wedding cake, is a happy occasion for brides, widows might be tempted to throw a Widow's Day cake across the room.  Maybe that's why they just don't exist.

What's to celebrate?  Every day, I am inspired by the quiet strength of widows:  the young mothers who are both Mum and Dad to their little ones;  widows who face frightening illness without the calming reassurance of their loved one;  hard working women who take on extra jobs to make ends meet.  It takes courage and determination to do the work of two people, on your own.  Broken hearted, anxious and stressed, widows emerge from their homes every day to meet the challenges of life.  Rich or impoverished, widows at all income levels see a decline in income after widowhood.  Yet, somehow, widows find inner strength to rise above it all.

In 2018, there were 11.69 million widows, and 1.41 million widowers in the United States.  In Canada, the total number of widows and widowers numbered 1.85 million last year.  The average age is only 59.  With an aging population, those numbers are growing.  A study conducted at the turn of the new millenium, found that widows had a 66% increased risk of dying within the first three months of the death of their spouse.  The death of a spouse takes an emotional, physical and financial toll on the woman left behind.

Creating a new life for yourself takes time.  The death of a spouse is no piece of cake.  It is something you never get over, you simply learn to live a new life.

Photographs Copyright of:  Ruth Adams, Widow's Endorphins Photographic Images Incorporated.